Well it's Thursday which means it's Friday tomorrow nearly the weekend WOOHOO!! Sorry just thought I'd start this entry on a happy note lol.............I've been losing my rag at work, slamming things about making it known that I am not happy. In fact someone made a pointed dig at me this morning and I just rolled my eyes at them as if to say 'oh not again, get over it' LOL............Look at me getting this bitchy streak in lol.........
I was thinking about my journal today in an odd kinda way!! I'm not usually the kind of person that will go around and tell people about my life and what has happened etc, yet here I am posting it on a public website ~ don't you think that's odd?? Maybe it's coz I find it easier to put things into words some times than to say them out loud, probably got something to do with the shadow that I am (my Dad's description of me LOL)
Well it's a week since that meeting and I guess it's about time to tell you the tale of what he said!! I just wanna put a statement in here that this is how it was told to me and if my mum's reading this thinking that's crap ~ please don't be angry aka don't shoot the messenger ;-)
His only stories of me was when I was in hospital as you know..........coz I've told you that bit lol...........It started off when I was born, apparently they had just changed the metric system so the nurses were reading this chart with regards to my weight and they kept telling my parents that I couldn't go home coz basically I was losing like loads of weight in one night. Dad's version of it is that he eventually said something to these 'student nurses' and looked at the chart. He said they had been reading it wrong and there was actually nothing wrong with me and I was putting on weight not losing it LOL.....So that was hospital visit number 1
2nd time I was still an ickle baby. Apparently one night they spotted these black marks around my elbow looking like something had bitten me. They were concerned coz apparently these two girls on the housing block liked to take babies out in their prams for walks and in those days it was not thought of to say no to them, and they had taken me out that day. Well my arm blew up to twice it's size so they took me to the doctor. He was apparently Irish and dad says he had a lot of respect for him coz he turned to them and said I don't know what's wrong with her. He wrote a note and they had to take me to the main hospital. I didn't quite catch what dad said had been wrong with me ~ but to cut a long story short, for a long time although I was kept in hospital and you could've fried an egg on my forehead they weren't told. Dad's version of events was that he had a go at the head doctor who treated dad like an idiot and wouldn't tell them. All became right in the end though and Dad told this bloke where to go!!
How much of this do I believe so far?? I know I had problems with my arm, I've constantly been told this but don't you think in his version he is trying to come across as the big hero like we should all thank him or something?? Hold that thought it gets worse if your thinking that way!!
When I was 12 going on 13, I got what we thought was a stomach bug and I was off school for weeks with sickness, diarohea, etc etc.............The officials blamed my mum for food poisioning (b*******s!!) and the doctors were next to useless!! Eventually my mum rung the doctor again and somebody else came out as mine was on holiday (that was not a surprise!!) This doctor called for an ambulance and I was transferred to the main hospital in Exeter. My appendix had burst and basically I was being poisoned!! I can't remember too much from my early days in hospital. I remember getting there and wanting my mum. I remember being in intensive care and not being able to sleep coz some noisey people were next door. My dad's version is that I was pretty much in a coma for several weeks. Some doctor rang him and asked him to come in. (They couldn't get hold of my mum, as we didn't have a phone in those days). He asked dad if they could use some medication that had never been used before on humans. Dad asked for the odd's on what would happen if they didn't ~ the doctor said it was a 60/40 chance that I wouldn't make it!! I was told that the body tries to repair itself from this poison by creating more body fluids and basically I was drowning from my own body fluids or something like that??!! The doctor said that if they could try out this medication I had a 50/50 chance. So dad said yes go ahead. By this point I had been transferred from Intensive care to the kids ward (Bovey I think it was called) and in a private room to the side. Nurses had to go in and turn me over every hour or so coz I had sooooooooooooooooooo many drips etc attached to me :( He said that one day he came to see me and all the nurses were outside looking a bit sombre and he plucked up the courage to enter the room and I was sitting up in bed and asked him for a hug!! That morning I had been nothing..............
I was thinking about this all day last Friday and even now I'm welling up about it which probably seems very sad to you!! Basically the way I see it is that signing that form and the doctor giving me that medication has given me another chance at life. I know how close I came to not being here, my mum can tell you that!! It just freaked me out so much!! I have scars ~ bad ones ~ one stretching from just below my breasts to the bottom of my stomach, I don't have a belly button like most of you!! He also told me that at one point because they had cut me up so often the last time to close me up they used fibreglass instead *shock* as there was nothing there to sew back up or something like that! (I actually still have my stitches LOL ~ Jeez this is the most personal entry I've ever done!!) I have always hated these scars they get sore and nasty but when you think about it I shouldn't hate them as much as I do coz without them I wouldn't be here!! I wouldn't have Trina as my best friend, I wouldn't have met Roger, I wouldn't have known Meggy, it's all just so weird!!
I probably shouldn't tell you this but I'd much rather have the scars than the cholostomey bag that I had for about 6 months *ugh*
*shakes head* anyway now youknow ~ this is a part of me!! I had 6/7 seven operations, the supposed magic cream (magic my arse ~ I still felt that needle) and I couldn't eat for at least 3 months (even over xmas which was horrible!!) One day if I get the scanner working again I might scan one of my hosptial pics in and you can see how thin I got!! I even have my diary that I wrote when I was there :) Unfortunately you don't escape school when your in hosptial. One day I'll share the fun side of it all with you ;)
I shall leave you here and I know Ains picked me out for filling in that thingy ~ I'll post it another day :-)
For now:
Jen Recommends
Yet again another gaming site I'm afraid but this one can help you learn etc.......Jez at work sent it to me: www.stopdisastergame.org The object of the game is in the title ~ you get to pick from hurricanes, flood, fire, earthquake etc. You have to build your community and protect it from the elements. At lunch time when I had a go I got a gold medal from saving my island from a tusanami :-) Yay me!! Mind you that was on the easy level ~ go try it out people but you need at least 20 mins to play!!
Well have fun peeps and thanks for reading xx
Thanks to anna's anomalies for this tag :-)
20 comments:
Bless your heart Jen ,you must feel so confused about it all,this Jenny is now all in the past ,now you are our friend and a great person,so just know we love you for who you are now ....love Jan xx
This entry is so touching. My scar from my appendix is horrible too. Mine burst and they sewed me up 2 times. I had plastic surgery on my scar in 2000, but it's still there. My mom wasn't here for me when I got sick. 3 days and a neighbor told my dad he better bring me in. The memories suck! But....Life is good now, right? :)
http://journals.aol.com/mrsm711/LatteDah/ Tracy
I guess the scars will always remind you of how lucky you are. Just keep looking to the future and don't let what's passed get you down. B. x
I agree that your dad seems somewhat as trying to come off as a hero. If he did indeed do these things, it was a responsibility as a parent to care for you. If that's heroic then all the parents the world over are heros. Thank you for sharing this with us, I know it must of been hard to open up and let the world see this about you. But your right about one thing, look at your scars as something that could of gone all wrong, something or someone thought you deserved another shot at life. So do what you do best hon, enjoy it to the fullest. I have a rip that goes down through my earlobe. It was something that was done to me that I survived. I refuse to have it sewn shut. My earlobe is in two pieces. Why? It reminds me of what I survived. I sorta think of it as a battle scar. (Hugs) Indigo
Your dad does seem to have made it so he's the hero Jen! People often twist things like this, maybe he means no harm but I can understand how irritating it seems to you! If I'd been through so much I don't think I'd want to be reminded of it. I'm glad you survived it all and are here with us today! Have a good weekend! Jeannette xx http://journals.aol.co.uk/jlocorriere05/Welcometomytravels/
You should try taking evening primrose oil for your scars, I've found it helps loads and some that I had (although obviously less extreme than yours, poor thing) have disappeared completely... it should make them more comfortable, might even make them fade a bit.
Becky
Meeting your Father was traumatic in its self. I know looking back at my life i dont think i gave my father a chance to enter my life. I am going to do a entry to this subject sometime over the weekend. If i look at your meeting your Father was trying to impress you with the caring Dad. I also think he tried too hard at your meeting , on that i would say give him and yourself time, The relationship should be built up slowly. You are certainly a survivor and you have the battle scars to prove it. Your destined for great things. Leave te scars in the past and lead your life to the fullest. And if your not happy about things in your life only you can change it. I hope you have a fun weekend lined up. love and hugs.
katie xx
From something nasty has come lots of good things Jen. If it's that time that gave you you're wicked sense of humour :) a personallity to envy :) and that winning smile......then it's something that had a little bit of good hidden amongst the yuk time. Ouch! for the irritation of the scars, I know they like to really have a good luck when they do a burst appendix. Rache
..........and look! how I've spelt look (luck)......there's no hope for me is there :) Rache
Many years ago I had the same problems as you have had and all the scars to prove it. Try just a moisture cream it helps a lot. Don't worry too much about them they do fade. Love joan.
Oh Jenny I am glad this is all in your past ~ you really went through the mill dind't you ~ those scars are a reminder of you getting a second chance at life ~ that goodness you did ~ Ally x
You really did go through the mill, things like that tend to change your whole perception of life. Take care xx
i think its great that you have a journal to express yourself to journaling is a way of expressing yourself. I dont tell people my business much or what im thinkin much cuz im not a people person and some times they wont understand. But it makes me feel good to be heard and who else will listen but never talk back besides this.
All this when you were just 12 years old?
Jen, what a scary time that must have been.
As someone else said, things with your Dad need time hon.
Maybe he talked about all this stuff because he was nervous and didn't know what else to say... I don't know. Does take time. I didn't see my Mum for years, it is awkward when you're first back in touch, but it does get easier.
Sara x
Hi Jen - Gosh, look at all that stuff you went thru - and look what a fabulous girlie your are .... yay Jen !!! I am sure that experience makes you realise how precious life is....... so glad you survived so that we could be journal buddies.
Lotsa love
Jaynee xx
I am so pleased you came through all this or we wouldnt be reading your blog!!!!!!
Gaz xx
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} you've been through a lot but hey you're still here and that's the most important thing...Scars don't matter, you DO...If you ask your GP there is good chance there is some cream or other available now to help with the soreness Caff xxxxxxx
You really did go through a lot didn`t you? Whatever happened I`m glad you`re healthy now and writing this lovely journal for us to read. :o)
Love Sandra xxxx
wow- I think you've paid your dues as Hospital Patient!
No more ER trips!
You've reached your limit!
--Holly
just wanted to say...omg! My appendix burst when I was 13 too! And I was being poisoned too! Only they didnt realise it was my appendix cos it was on the wrong side! I only have one scar from the op though.....
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